Author’s Reflection

“Devil in a Collar”

“Devil in a Collar” is one of the hardest songs I have ever written, because it comes from wounds that started when I was too young to understand what was happening to me. This song is about the people who were supposed to be safe, or who should have known better, becoming the very ones who caused pain. It speaks to being molested by a babysitter, then being molested by a Catholic priest, and later being raped by an older man I did not know after school one day in a mall.

This song is about the pattern of stolen innocence. It is about how trauma can stack itself inside a child until the child grows into an adult still carrying the weight of things that were never his fault. Each one of those moments took something from me. Each one left confusion, fear, shame, anger, and silence behind. And for years, I carried pieces of that pain like I had done something wrong, when the truth is, the shame never belonged to me.

“Devil in a Collar” is especially about betrayal. A collar is supposed to represent faith, protection, and trust. But in my story, that collar became a hiding place for evil. It taught me that monsters do not always look like monsters. Sometimes they smile. Sometimes they pray. Sometimes they are welcomed into homes, churches, and communities while their victims are left trying to survive the damage in silence.

Writing this song was my way of taking back my voice. I cannot undo what happened to me, but I can refuse to protect the silence around it. I can name the pain. I can tell the truth. I can turn what tried to destroy me into something that speaks for the child, the teenager, and the broken parts of me that were never given justice.

This song is not written for shock. It is written for survival. It is for every person who was hurt by someone they trusted, someone in power, or someone who saw vulnerability and chose to harm instead of protect. It is for survivors who still carry memories in their bodies, who still flinch at the past, and who still wonder why no one saved them.

“Devil in a Collar” is my truth standing in the light. It is painful, raw, and uncomfortable, but it is mine. And every time I sing it, I remind myself that I was not the dirty one. I was not the guilty one. I was not the shame.

I was the child who survived.

— FreeSpirit